kickingand: (pic#10039957)
Dean Winchester ([personal profile] kickingand) wrote in [community profile] gameofmana2016-09-16 01:37 pm

i've been up and down in prison

Who: Dean Winchester & YOUUU
What: waking up at Home and being confused out of his mind
Where: Home!
When: morning sometime
Other: talk of Hell & not overly graphic mentions of torture. also, prose or brackets are welcome!


Dean doesn't have a clue as to where he is. Granted, he doesn't have a clue as to what's going on altogether, but that would be said no matter where it was he was waking up. Because the thing is, he isn't supposed to be here. A thing that likely everyone said upon waking up here, but Dean isn't supposed to be anywhere but Hell. It's a thing he can't comprehend as he wakes up with a start and looks around to find himself not on the rack. The lack of shrill screams in the distance, the dank nonexistent smells wrecking havoc through his brain, making it impossible to do anything but shudder with anticipation of what tool was going to be used today to pry body parts from his soul, over and over and over--

Giving his head a shake, the place he is now is so opposite of what he's endure for the past years that it's nearly startling. It's beyond startling actually, and Dean doesn't know what to do about it when all he can think is he doesn't deserve it. This place is practically happy and somehow blossoms with an easiness that he can't comprehend, his stomach twisting with confusion and ultimately a sheer disorientation that he's struggling his way through. He hardly knows how to move let alone how to think his way through this and he tries to find his voice to shout for the existence of anyone else here. But it clams up in his throat, refusing to puff out from between his lips and instead makes him want to curl up that much more. It's terrifying and soft all at once and he's rejecting it aggressively, trying to butt himself up against the nearest wall and hide, wondering if this is a new breed of torture. Let him see something happy for two seconds before he's dragged back to the reality that is Hell, brutally laughed in the face by Alistair before the torture continues. A psychological thing, maybe.

He doesn't know.

But eventually, he begins to move.

Slowly, he pushes himself out of the bed, taking one cautious step at at time, moving forward and ducking around corners, peering around the edges of the spacious room and trying to adjust to everything he's seeing. Which unto itself is still just weird - if anything, he should've woken up in a dank motel room. His grave maybe. And some part of his mind wonders if he's been shot up to Heaven finally, in some sort of weird Brazil-esque filing error, but that's just ridiculous.

He's supposed to be in Hell. So what the fuck is going on.

Continuing to move, Dean soon finds himself on the stairway leading downwards, though he glances up for a moment and stares, before deciding that down is best way for now. It isn't as if any of this is truly ominous apart from the fact that he doesn't know why he's here altogether but he has to keep moving, try to figure out what's going on, understand this as best as he can before he finds himself getting tugged straight back to the one place he's actually supposed to be.

"The fuck is this-"

Rough words are finally pulled from his throat, scratchy and hard and he steps even further down, slow going as he tries to take it all in. He just wants to know where he is and why, maybe even find someone here. Or maybe he just wants to be alone for a minute, relish in the lack of pain and death fleeing across his vision, the wholeness of his body and the feeling of his limbs stretching out. It's all odd sensations after too long on the rack, at the hands of demons, souls at the hands of him, and he grit his teeth for a moment, squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to think before he keeps going, pushing himself forward, and finally gives a shout, sounding distant to his own ears.

"-- Anyone here?"
escapedestiny: (hope.)

SLAMS INTO THIS

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-16 07:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Archery is a lot different than using a gun, Sam has found. So he practices with his bow every day, out in the wilds between Home and Domina, reusing his arrows so he's not letting any go to waste. He's gotten the hang of it enough to go hunting successfully, taking out small monsters and gathering up money or items dropped. Meat to cook, hide and claws and eyes and everything that could possibly be used or serve some sort of purpose.

He often takes Avandrel with him to go hunting, her being a hunter herself. She's got her own weapons, experience, and for some reason a want to make sure Sam stays safe. Wants to watch his back. He thinks it probably has something to do with him being maybe the first human ever to actually be polite and civil with the elf, even in the face of her initial wariness. He's not real sure, and he hasn't really told her (or anyone else) that much about himself. His skills, and his reason for those skills in the case of Avandrel and Tsukishima, but that's about it. Tsukishima also knows Sam's father was military.

It's been, what, a month since he'd woken up here? And he still hasn't mentioned Dean or the last thing Sam remembers to anyone. (Well he had shown the sketch he'd done up of Dean's face to a couple people in Domina, just to find out if they'd seen him, but beyond that...)

Even though the memory of what he's still convinced must have been his death often wakes him up at night, startles him awake. At this point his seventeen-year-old roommate seems to have gotten used to it. Maybe he's used to nightmares himself, who knows? Riku doesn't share a lot, just as Sam doesn't share a lot.

He's still holding out hope that his brother will show up, but at the same time the thought worries him because this could still potentially be some sort of afterlife. And if Sam's dead, Dean needs to go on living. He needs to find that yellow-eyed bastard demon and take him out. For Mom. For Jess. For Dad. For good.

Hope doesn't prepare him for the sight of Dean or the sound of his voice on the stairwell as Sam's coming back from practicing with the bow. He drops the thing, drops the arrows, and he feels his heart jump to his throat. No, he wasn't prepared for this in the slightest, seeing Dean's face again, and he has to look up to do so, because Sam's on lower steps and Dean is higher up, and as long as it's been since he's seen his brother, it's been even longer since he's had to look up in order to do it.

He hasn't so much missed Dean's voice because he hears it in his nightmares constantly, yelling his name, trying to reassure him that he's okay, that everything's okay, they'll fix him up and it's not even that bad-- Scratch that, yeah, he's still missed his voice, and just about everything else about him. Even the annoying things. Because he's his big brother.

And now... he's here.

Is it really him? Is it really Dean? Short and bossy, annoying, protective, untidy, unhealthy-food-loving, mullet-rock-listening, serial-flirter Dean?

"Dean?"
escapedestiny: (rise.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-16 10:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Sammy. Yeah, it's been a while since he's heard that outside of his nightmares. It's incredibly more comforting in this context.

Dean's expression, the tone of his voice, and his way of immediately trying to put on his game face, slip into his "brave and unbreakable" persona when he realizes this is his little brother, all makes perfect sense to Sam. For him, the last time they saw each other, Sam had died in his arms. He can only imagine how awful that must have been for him. Isn't surprised in the slightest that Dean would immediately try to hide, at least in front of Sam, just how awful it had been for him. And he has a million and one questions for his brother, absolutely. Just not the ones that Dean is expecting. The word "Hell" doesn't even enter into the equation.

The questions can come later anyway. Because once Dean makes a motion to move forward, Sam's unexpected paralysis at seeing him finally breaks, and he's rushing forward. He wraps his brother in a hug there on the stairs, not asking for permission or even giving warning of an impending mushy moment or telling him to suck it up and deal with it, Dean, if you make a joke about this I'm pushing you down the stairs. It would be an empty threat anyway, of course, it always is. Lifelong brother threats of 'if you do that one more time, I'm gonna kill you.' But Sam doesn't feel like making one now because it would hit too close to heart. They might both be dead already. And yet that prospect doesn't bother him as much as it should, now that they're both here.

Wondering about Dean constantly had been like a black cloud following him wherever he went. There was not a single thing in this fantasy paradise of a world that he could truly enjoy when he hadn't known for sure what this all meant for Dean, Sam showing up here, having in all likelihood died.

He's aware that Dean has asked him a question, that he's just as confused as Sam had been upon waking up here. Which also makes complete sense, but leaves him wondering just how Dean had died to end up here. If he did die. If that's what this place was about. Truthfully none of the others he had talked to about their last moments before arriving had seemed to indicate that any of them had died.

Suddenly he feels inadequate for not having much in the way of answers for Dean. He's been here a month and he still doesn't know anything about why or how he got here. Or who brought him here. It's terrible hunting work, Dean has a right to be disappointed in him when he finds out. Which will be any moment, because at some point the hugging will have to stop and Sam will have to answer.
Edited 2016-09-16 23:15 (UTC)
escapedestiny: (listen.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-17 03:27 am (UTC)(link)
Sam feels decidedly settled once the hug ends, comforted if only for a moment. Dean's still asking questions. Which is fine, Sam will give him whatever answers he has, except what he asks doesn't make sense. Does he mean did he bring Dean here? How could he have when he's pretty sure he's supposed to be dead. And Dean should know that. He'd been right there when the knife had slid into Sam's back.

"How would I have...?" He trails off, his confusion clear in the slant of his eyebrows, concerned frown on his lips. "Uh. Let's get off of the stairs first. There's some empty rooms on the top floor, we can talk there." Mostly because he doesn't want anyone else to know about his 'we might all be dead' theory, and standing and talking here meant anyone in the tree could overhear them if they wished. It would be safe to explain to Dean behind a closed door though, and then maybe his brother could tell him how he died. There was a conversation to look forward to. "Then I can show you around."

He turns to pick up his bow and the quiver of arrows he'd dropped on the lower stairs, slinging the latter across his back. He gives a nod to Dean, gestures upward with the bow in his hand for his brother to start climbing back up the way he'd been coming down.

"Should be one flight up. I'm staying right now in the room I woke up in a few weeks ago, on this floor, but I've got a roommate. Just the guy who also woke up there. I'll move my stuff out of there later though and we can choose an empty room to bunk in."

There's no question in there, just assumed. Like they never question whether to get one room or two at the motels. Sure two would cost more, but it was also about watching each other's backs and staying together. About being family. And in a way probably also just about it being the way they'd grown up.
escapedestiny: (follow.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-18 01:44 am (UTC)(link)
Honestly, Sam should have expected that comment, and there's a short derisive snort of laughter in response. Not quite Robin Hood. Unless one were to count the monsters he took down as "the rich" and everyone at Home "the poor." Then, yeah, pretty much.

"Maybe."

Better than being the leader of Hell's army or whatever it was exactly that the Yellow-Eyed Demon had wanted from him. Who even knows if he was telling the truth. Demons weren't exactly well known for that, or for revealing their plans. At least not the ones Sam's met so far.

Dean's agitation at not having answers is quite clear, and it annoys Sam a little because, seriously? He can't wait forty seconds? Maybe it's more defensiveness than annoyance. He still feels guilty he doesn't actually have all the answers. He has the one to that question, though. He answers, forging ahead as Dean starts taking the stairs like he's a big second grader or something, two at a time. Sam wants to tell him to slow down and be careful, but he grabs for different words.

"A few weeks. I said that already. Did you wake up in one of the rooms? Because that's how it happened when I arrived. Not even a wound on me or a sore back."

He's getting ahead of himself. But it's just as well, they're on the right floor now thanks to Dean's rush to get here.

"Check that room," he says, pointing. The majority of them should be empty, so odds are it will be and they can go in.

It's not that Sam actively mistrusts anyone here. It's more that the place is filled with teenagers he feels he needs to keep any harmful or potentially traumatic information from. Telling them they died probably falls into that category. Although whether that's true or not isn't a certainty yet. Still probably better for them to have as stress-free of a time as they can here. Sam's sort of made that his mission, partly just to have something to focus on so his thoughts don't run wild or his nightmares turn into day ones.
escapedestiny: (how.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-18 08:11 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, that's odd, Dean looking at him like he has no idea what he's talking about.

Sam shuts the door behind them after following Dean in, and takes a cursory glance around the room too. Same as all the other bedrooms: beds on either side tucked into homey, comfy little alcoves in the wall, covered by warm-looking quilts and fluffy pillows. Window with sunlight streaming in, so much greenery out there it's like someone just went to town with a fucking Granny Smith Apple crayon. There are unlit candles on side tables and dressers, two chairs. That's about it.

A very small laugh, quiet, and he nods as Dean waves a hand around. "A scene from friggin' Lord of the Rings. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. We don't even have running water here, Dean, we have to bring buckets up from the well every morning to use throughout the day. Accommodations are nice to look at but a pretty big inconvenience, to be honest."

He shakes his head and drops the bow and arrows onto one of the beds, sitting down next to them with a sigh, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees.

"Better than being dead though, assuming we aren't." He looks up at his brother, a frown settling on his face, worry in his eyes as he studies Dean. Now's as good a time as any to get down to business. Question and answer time.

"I died, didn't I? Jake killed me? How long ago did it happen, Dean? How long has it been since you last saw me?"

He would have assumed a few weeks, since that's how long he's been here, except Dean obviously is confused by that timeframe. So maybe time here and time back home moved at different paces or something.
Edited 2016-09-18 09:31 (UTC)
escapedestiny: (bells.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-18 02:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Sam falls for it. He has no reason not to. Dean's short pause and the look on his face, even his words. It fits, to him. After a month of reliving that moment over and over again in his nightmares, everything that had been fuzzy about it had gotten filled in, each second clear in his head. And yet he still can't imagine Dean's pain, can't imagine their positions reversed, what Sam would do.

Months. For Dean, Sam had been dead for months.

He's filled with emotion again, chest tight, back to their moment on the stairs, and he stands up to move closer to his brother, rest a hand on his shoulder. A solid weight. Substantial, real. And Sam needs it as much as he thinks Dean does right now, that reminder.

"I'm here now, Dean. We're both here."

He's still going to have to ask, about what happened once Sam was gone. Did he follow Jake? Did he stop him from doing whatever it was that the demon had wanted? Did he get the demon? Finally avenge all the people that they'd lost, their family?

But it can wait. Not like they're pressed for time here. Might even have all eternity, if this is some sort of afterlife or stop on the way to afterlife. To Heaven, maybe. And Sam still believes that exists, just as he still believes in God, in angels. He prays, even here. Had prayed for Dean to be safe, to be getting along without him.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense though, because this place felt disconnected from their world entirely. Like a different universe, with its own monsters, its own inhabitants. Its own religions, even. And Dean was still going to want his own answers, too. About what this place is and how they got there, at least. Sam does at least know a bit about the place, and has his theory of course about how they got here. Which again begs the question: how had Dean died? And does Sam really want to hear about that, picture it? The death of another person he loves?

Not really, no. But he's pretty sure his own imagination can't be any more awful than the truth. Kinda funny how incredibly wrong he is about that.
escapedestiny: (listen.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-18 11:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Tilting his head slightly with a questioning and concerned look, Sam drops his hand but remains close. He'd thought that would be more comforting. The fact was certainly comforting to him. Maybe it's just the shock of everything, or maybe Dean had done something to end up here, to end up dead, and he's afraid of Sam finding out?

A memory resurfaces, of Dean locking them both in a room in that medical center in Oregon, thinking Sam had been infected with that demon virus. Refusing to give Sam his gun, or to leave. Resigning himself to dying with his brother when he didn't have to. Suicidal, basically. It had been suicidal.

Or maybe he just hadn't gotten a chance to go after the demon, and he feels guilty. It doesn't occur to Sam, doesn't even cross his mind that Dean would think of doing something (dangerous, sacrificial, or harmful to others) to bring him back. Not after the experiences they've already had with that. First Layla, and then their dad. There were consequences, and being the one brought back, especially in exchange for another, wasn't exactly good for the psyche.

"I didn't make it back," he points out, frowning. That had seemed like a weird thing to say to him, all things considered. Sam had gone from dead to waking up here. "I came here. I died, and came here. Without any trace of an injury. And now you're here, apparently only a few months after I died."

His voice drops and his shoulders slump. "...How did it happen, Dean?" He wonders if his brother will even tell him. Maybe he'll think Sam better off not knowing. It wouldn't surprise him, but Sam doesn't intend to just drop the subject if Dean won't answer the first time. He'll find out eventually.
Edited 2016-09-19 00:07 (UTC)
escapedestiny: (care.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-21 08:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Sam is silent for a long moment, studying Dean's face as he runs through what's been said. Obviously, the thought hasn't crossed Dean's mind that this may be some sort of afterlife or the stop before an afterlife. Which probably means Sam was wrong and Dean hadn't died. Which is a comforting thought for many reasons, of course, but puts him right back where he started, without any answers at all. Well, that's not entirely true. He can give Dean what he knows, but it will do nothing to explain how they got here or what they're doing here. And he's skipping the question he just asked because he thinks he was wrong about that, anyway.

"Fa'Diel. This place is called Fa'Diel. We aren't the only ones who randomly woke up here, either. This house? Built inside of a tree, and everyone in it just woke up here one morning. Most of us are from different places... Like different worlds or something, Dean. We've got elves and robots and hell, I don't even know what all of them are. But then there are a bunch of teenagers too. A handful of them just regular Japanese high schoolers who play volleyball and I haven't been able to find any connection or explanation yet."

His hands get shoved into his pockets with a sigh and a slight shrug, his gaze flickering to his shoes before back to Dean. "So, yeah, we're both here now, and that means something. But if you're asking me what it means, I don't know yet. I've just been trying to keep everyone here safe and alive and stress-free so far. Especially the teenagers."

He'd say "kids" but he already knows that makes a few of them prickly, which is something Sam can definitely relate to. Ever since he'd gotten that reaction, he's settled on just "teenagers." They were old enough to look after themselves, it wasn't like Sam exactly needed to babysit. But he did like to check in on them every once in a while just to make sure they didn't want or need his help. Make sure they were living as happily as they could in this unexpected new residence of theirs.

And that had been his focus, so he wouldn't have to think too much about what the separation from Dean had meant, how long it could possibly last. He's relieved he's here now, though. Worried about what it all means still, sure, but at least they're together again. And they can figure shit out if they're together.

If Sam's having trouble reading Dean as well as he usually does, well chalk it up to the separation, everything else he's had on his mind, the constant nightmares and lack of sleep. He's definitely not at his peak here.
escapedestiny: (water.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-30 06:47 am (UTC)(link)
Clearly though, Dean's continued discomfort is making Sam uncomfortable. He can understand the being freaked about what was going on, even after a month Sam's not totally used to all this. But he'd already been making a plan by now after his arrival, to walk around, ask questions. To figure things out. He'd already left the panic stage, but Dean... Dean's too frantic. Something's not adding up.

"Yeah. We're seeing the same things. And yes, it's weird. But being taken from your home and the safety of what you're familiar with, without warning or any idea why or how to get back, that's stressful for normal people. Hell, you're stressed! You can't stand still for two seconds! You can't say this is stress-free when you're... I don't know, acting like you're ready to crawl out of your skin. What's going on with you, man?"

Because to him it seems like they've covered all of the things that could be causing that. They've both established they're here, together and alive and unharmed (for lack of evidence otherwise, anyway). But this is like... Airplane Dean. Flying Dean. This was not how the Dean he remembers would be acting in this situation. Because they've been through some pretty weird shit before. Plus, the last time Dean had seen him, Sam had been dead. And the fact that Dean's not practically giddy seeing him alive again is just... It's kind of odd, the more he thinks about it. Extremely weird setting or not, he would have thought the happiness of that would have lasted at least a little longer.

Come to think of it, there hasn't been any trace of any true smile on Dean's face since they'd reunited. Not a one. Just his masks. And Sam hadn't really thought that strange until now, but. If Dean had died and Sam had found him again, pretty much no matter where, he's pretty sure he'd have a genuine smile. Not a broken one. Not a fake one. At least one genuine smile.

"There's something you're not telling me, and I don't think it's got anything to do with this place. I think it's about us. You and me. Whatever it is you're trying to protect me from..." He trails off, shaking his head though his gaze never leaves his brother. "Just tell me."
escapedestiny: (forgive.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-09-30 10:59 pm (UTC)(link)
It had seemed like less of a cage to Sam not just because of the peaceful atmosphere of it, but because he'd had the suspicion that there wasn't any other place he was supposed to be. Because he was dead. Dean's thought process however seems to be that they're both still alive (or Sam brought back to life) but they're just both here. It's a possibility, of course. One that Sam prefers not just because it means being alive and the possible chance to get back home and go back to what they do, to saving people. To stopping Jake and the Yellow-Eyed Demon. But also because it means the teenagers and everyone else who were brought here against their will too might also still be alive, might also still have the chance to get back to their homes. See loved ones again. Live their normal everyday lives, the way they were supposed to.

He turns his head to look at Dean when his brother drops onto the bed beside him, and copies him by stretching out his own long legs. As Sam is prone to do, he lets the silence stand between them for those few moments while watching Dean. It's not really uncomfortable to him, not since Dean's stopped with the pacing around the room, and not since they've had a whole lifetime of comfortable silences for one or both of them to think in. It feels normal and Sam holds onto that close because it's the first thing that has felt normal in a while. He soaks in the utter relief of having him close again without having to worry about him. Except... Well, maybe he should be worried about him.

Sam listens to everything Dean tells him, the relaxed neutral expression that had settled over his features once the pacing had stopped shifting right back into a worried frown.

"What? What did you do? Dean, how do you know it wasn't something you did that led to us being here?"

He should feel angry, he thinks, but then it wouldn't really be fair, either. Not after Sam had worked so hard to keep Dean from dying when his heart was giving out. But this was different, Sam had actually died, had taken his final breath. There were a lot less ways to save someone from that, and he knows because he'd done his research last year to save Dean, had run across the supposed ways one could theoretically bring back the dead once they were in full-on decomposition mode. And Dean just told him he'd tried anything and everything. Sam's not angry. Not yet. But this is probably the most worried he's been in a long time, imagining a panicked Dean trying anything and everything and none of those ways were exactly pretty or good for one's health, he knows.
escapedestiny: (left.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-10-04 03:29 am (UTC)(link)
Heaving a frustrated sigh and tilting his head to rub at the back of his neck, Sam averts his gaze to the ceiling for a moment before looking back at his brother.

Because. 'Because I'm older.' 'Because I'm the big brother.' If Sam had a fucking nickel for every time in his life he's gotten that as an answer.

"You realize you didn't actually answer my question."

He hadn't told him what he'd done, the things he had actually tried in order to get Sam back. But Dean is just as stubborn as Sam and Sam knows it, so he's realizing this may be a battle he'll have to save for another day. Not concede defeat, just call a truce maybe until there's a better time. If there ever will be a better time. As much as he'd like to keep pushing to get actual answers, rather than Dean asking Sam to 'just believe him,' like they're still kids. Like Sam's asking about why they move around all the time and where's Dad always going and Dean's telling him just stop asking questions and trust me. Protecting him, or trying to. At his own expense often enough, which is what bothers Sam. His mind is going to keep supplying possible things that Dean may have done to try and get him back, like Sam's life held more meaning than his own, like Sam would just be okay with being brought back at Dean's expense. Because that's what it came down to, didn't it? When bringing people back? You had to make some sort of sacrifice.

It occurs to him then, something else that's struck him as wrong and out of place this entire time that he couldn't exactly put his finger on, since Dean had shown up. His gaze flickers to Dean's neck, where there's always been a chord, down to where the amulet always sits right there on his breastbone. There's nothing. It's gone. Sam straightens up immediately, brows furrowing. How did I even miss that?

"Dean, where's...?" He lifts his hand, touching it to his own chest before pointing at Dean's, looking him in the eye again with a frown.

Had he tried to use it somehow? Because it was something Sam had given him? It didn't seem out of the realm of possibility, that some magic spell or whatever might call for something like that. It held a lot of importance to Dean and he knows, because it's incredibly rare for him to take it off. But he's sort of jumping to conclusions about it, isn't he? Maybe it had absolutely nothing to do with the anything and everything Dean apparently tried to get him back, and his brother just had it in his pocket tucked away for... What, safe-keeping? Or another bad thing had gotten it, like that shapeshifter Sam still has nightmares about occasionally, right along with everything else he has nightmares about. Because being tortured by a sadistic, murderous being wearing your own brother's face wasn't a trauma anyone could get over completely, even after a year. Even after a lifetime, probably.

And it's not like he doesn't trust Dean. He trusts that he's full of good intentions, he trusts that this is Dean and not another possible shapeshifter. It's just that the problem doesn't lie in trusting him, in believing him. It lies in knowing him. And Sam does.
escapedestiny: (follow.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-10-05 10:59 pm (UTC)(link)
It's completely obvious, even if Dean doesn't want it to be, that he hadn't known the amulet wasn't there. The hands at his throat seem practically frantic, and Sam's worry just grows.

How could he have not known? And if he hadn't known, how is he so sure it's not lost? Of course, there's always the possibility that that's a lie, one meant to reassure Sam just the way Dean had done while Sam was dying in his arms a month ago. 'It's not that bad' and 'You're fine' and whatever else he had said as Sam's consciousness and very life had faded.

He'd been wearing the amulet then. Sam can remember clearly it pressed to his own chest while Dean had felt out the damage, the wound at his back.

He wouldn't get mad at Dean for losing it, though, sometimes shit like that happens, and he knows Dean would feel bad and guilty for losing it enough for both of them without Sam expressing disappointment.

The amulet hadn't started out as Dean's. It hadn't even started out for Dean. There hadn't really been much meaning to it at first other than "thanks for being better than Dad," which, granted, was a big part of their relationship, because Dean had always been better at taking care of Sam than John was. The decision to give the amulet to Dean hadn't been a long thought-out one. It was made in the moment because Dean had shown he cared more about Sam and his happiness by trying to make Christmas special for him. Had even tried to give the credit to John, like he'd deserved it. For all of that, Dean had deserved something from Sam. The amulet had been a way to thank him.

But to Sam it had really gained more of its meaning through the fact that Dean had cherished it and kept it on him all these years. The fact that it represented something to him made it represent something more to Sam. But as far as he was concerned, it being lost or being gone would hardly erase their entire relationship.

So he's not mad. He's worried. He's worried what could have happened to Dean that he would have taken it off and forgotten about it. Or lost it entirely. It's Dean he's worried about, not the amulet. Not an object. His older brother.

"What happened?"
escapedestiny: (apology.)

[personal profile] escapedestiny 2016-10-08 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
All of the worry is just growing inside of Sam, a painful twisting thing as he looks at Dean and watches the emotions that do or don't cross his face. Either way is a concern really. His whole life has been people not telling him shit, Sam having to figure it out on his own. It's annoying and it's always been annoying, but with Dean it's more than just that. It's more than just "I want to know," it's "I have to know." Because it's something that's affecting him and maybe Sam could do something to help. At the very least, he has to try. He can't just sit around and let something eat away at his brother, he can't. Dean's never let him get away with that so Sam's not going to let Dean, either. Not if he can help it.

"Dean, you understand I'm just worried about you though, right? I'm not trying to pry into whatever you feel is your business, but... I'd like to help you if you'd let me. And if it has anything to do with me, then I have a right to know, too. If there was something you did for me that you're trying to protect me by keeping it from me or you're afraid I'll be mad at you for it..." He shakes his head. "I'm going to find out sooner or later. But you're my brother and you know I'll forgive you."

He thought that much was obvious by now. Whatever fights or hard times they went through, Dean was and will always be his brother. And Sam will always forgive him his screw ups, his flaws, his wrong-doings, whatever. Some may take more time than others, some fights may leave scars that take longer to heal completely. But there was nothing Dean could or would do that could make Sam hate him, he's certain of that. Outside forces like possession of course could control either one of them to make them turn on one another, but of his own volition? No, there was nothing.

"Better to just get the blows out of the way instead of letting it eat at you, you know?" He wrings his hands together once before placing them back on his knees, leaning back a little with a sigh. "But if you want me to let it go for right now, fine. I'm not giving up, though."

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